TINE

We moved to Ljubljana in January 1977. I was in the last class in the elementary school. In the new school I immediately noticed

boys, who were much different than in my previous school, more bold and courageous - they were smoking openly in entrances of nearby buildings, openly kissing girls and they were very loud. This was unthinkable in my old school. I had a big cultural shock, I didn't speak like them, I had this accent, they were bullling me in all possible ways.

In a big break we were walking around in circles in this school and there was one boy, who was all the time around me, talking to me, saying stupid things to me and looked at me nicely. I pretended not to hear him, but I noticed him and kind of liked him. I was writing my diary from my tenth year. And as soon as I came from the school, I wrote that "Tine said that and that"... I named him "froc" (pronouce: frotz - which is a slang word for a "child" - since he was younger than me).

In second year in high school I noticed that Tine enrolled in the same gymnasium as me. I was a little surprised to see him, but actually I hoped he would not chase me like before. Before the school started, we were always near a bar next to the school... And he was there, he was always there, wherever I was... and like... he pretended to be there by accident, talk to his friends. Whenever we met inside the school when we moved from one classroom to the other he shouted: "Diana, Diana, give me your hand"... or something like that... and I would hide behind my friends and pretend not to hear him... And then I would write in the diary: "Froc told me this and that... that Froc again"... if I were to write it now on the internet, I would give that smiley "rolling his eyes".

We went with the school on a trip with train on 19.10.1978 - how do I know about this date... because that was the day that my cousin was born, I found out when we got back home. Once, just once, I read my diaries, which I wrote at that time... And then I remembered that train... We were teenagers, our hormones were exploding, we were loud, we were cheerful, there were no control of teachers and those grumbling old faces... we behaved exactly like teenagers behave when they are alone: crazy, stupid and loud... I don't know exactly what happened on that train, I think Tine constantly ran from his compartment to my compartment, he wanted to sit next to me. And then it clicked to me, that Tine actually loves me and that I like him too.

Then October and November passed... He came twice with his friend at my window at my flat. I had such a window, which looked out onto the street and you could go out of the flat from the window, I did that several times. Lots of times my friends would just knock on the window and we would talk and talk... He was with his friend there, asked me to visit him at his place. I didn't go. I had those whirlwinds inside of my stomach...

Then came December, I celebrated my sixteenth birthday. In our gymnasium there was a "disco" in the basement. It was a large room, next to it was a small room for the DJ, where there was a record player and someone brought records. When someone had a birthday, he brought alcohol and food and the DJ said several times that it is a birthday from so and so. Tine was also there...  We were dancing and there was this music "Angie" and "Hotel California"... then he kissed me... and I was done... Earth kissed Moon. With that kiss, we bonded, we got married, and no one could separate us anymore. I was in seventh heaven.

We walked home and... what do I know, what did we talk about. He said that I should definitely come to visit him on Saturday and Sunday. He said that more times.

Saturday came and Sunday came... I was in love... but I wouldn't think of going to his place. He lived there with his mother and sister. It was so awkward for me. What can I say? What would they think, why did I come there? What if he starts touching me... what... what... what... I was just waiting for that Monday to see him at school.

Monday came, but Tine didn't appear. He didn't come on Monday, he didn't come on Tuesday, he didn't come on Wednesday... later I heard that he is in the hospital, that he had some problems with his stomach...

The New Year was near, so we were all planning who would celebrate where. New Year's was then the biggest party of the year then. It was very important, where you go, with whom. I thought I was going to be with Tine, but he never came back to school. I heard from my friend, who was good with her sister, that Tine remains in the hospital. She gave me the phone number and I went to call him, to at least tell him: "Happy New Year". I threw a dinar in a slot in a phone booth, dialed the number, a nurse picked up the phone, she went to get Tine, and as soon as he came, the line was over... I called again... but the nurse said that Tine had gone to his bed and she is not going to pick him up anymore.

And so... that New Year celebration was over, we were at someone's place, with liters of alcohol and a constant question in my head... how is Tine... how is Tine... what is with him...what am I gonna do... what can I do...

In the beginning of january 1979 my friend who had information about what was happening, said that Tine had cancer and that he had three months left to live...

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

The only thing I had where I could scream was my diary... and it was like I am writing it with my own blood...

I remember that I went once in a church - our familly was not going into church, because my father was an army officer and they had forbidden to go there. But I went to church to find a relief, but I didn't find it.

I beat myself up because I didn't "undertake" anything... and what could I do... I didn't have anyone to talk to.. Except this friend who brought me news. I didn't think of my parents as human beings at that time, but as retards... My only consolation was my diary. Once I went to the hospital, where he was, but I ran away... I couldn't get inside. Second time my friend who knew how I was struggling inside pushed meinside the hospital, and did not let me to run away... It was in the beginning of March. Tine was in bed, surrounded by relatives and parents... He had no hair on his head, and when he got out of bed to give me his hand, he looked so skinny, I think that he had around 40 kg... only his voice proved that it was him... He said: "I'm so glad you came to visit me instead of going to the school". I don't know if I said something... I lost my speech abilitiy. I said... bye bye and I ran away from this place...

On Monday, March 19, 1979, I went to the drama in the theater... My friend came during the break and said: "Tine died."

Here, that was my story, that's what I carried inside me all these years. That sadness that has never been told. 

Some time after his death, like half a year... I felt an incredible warmth around me, as if he came to hug me... 

I was just an emotional wreck and I "healed" myself with alcohol. My life was over. I blamed myself because I didn't go on visit. But what could I do? I couldn't prevent it! 

Ten years ago I was at an angelic workshop, we practiced communicating with people who had died. The woman I worked together with asked me. "Who do you want to talk to?"... I said: "Tine"... He appeared immediately... I asked him what he was doing... He said: "I am playing football in cosmos. The cosmos is huge! I like it here. Take care of your children. And take care of yourself."... How did he know that I have children?... Of course he knew, he was all the time with me, like an guardian angel but I wasn't aware of that.

So...