RELIGION

I.

I just don’t know where to start… OK, with my birth… I was born in a communist state, Yugoslavia, where religion was forbidden. Some people would say that this was not communist state, that it was better than in Russia (then the Soviet Union). But the older I became the more I was persuaded that this was just pure communism.

What do I mean by that? Mind control. Only one ruling party. Fear of saying your opinion aloud. Fear of foreign countries who were not communistic. Fear of everything what was not “ours”. Specially fear from religion. As you probably know – in communist state there was just one party. All others were forbidden. Everything what was against the government or against the ruling Communist Party was forbidden. People had fear and didn’t talk about “forbidden things”.

And I, who was born into such system and went through the whole machinery of mind-control = school… and so on… how could I know, that what they taught me in school was not true? I actually could compare our truth – the truth of our country with other countries later on when I was teenager and I traveled a lot around Italy. We also met lots of tourists from other countries, who came to our Adriatic sea. So… then we could compare ourselves with people who lived in other countries and see, where we are living. But that came much later. I think that I was absolutely persuaded that I lived in the best country of the world until Tito died. This was in May 1980.

I wanted to study something in the arts, but then I didn’t pass the audition for the art school. I went on to study on faculty for politics. It was the wrong decision, I can’t tell you how I suffered there. Tito was dead, but they were still talking about best country in the world. Our political system was clearly an oppression. I finished my studies anywaym but I tried to escape the ideology by focusing on foreign countries that the socialist states used to call “rotten capitalistic states”.

I think it was then that I noticed what was wrong with this system. They preached about workers who are supposed to have special rights and were above the so-called aristocrats. The Comunist Party literally killed our inteligencia after World War 2, when all the educated people who didn’t want to join the CP were either killed or they were lucky in that they escape from the country.

I have to tell you something more about my childhood. My father was an army officer who was absent all my childhood, because he studied in the Military Academy in Sarajevo and Belgrade. I didn’t miss him at all! I knew that he would come for vacations and so on. It was my mother who made a big drama out of it. My mother would work the entire day and I didn’t have any problems with that either. I never missed anyone. Occasionally my mother should show me a bit more affection, I will write about this some other time.

When I was in kindergarten, I remember that I was often harassed by other children who went to church and would say to me that I would burn in helll because I was not going to church. I remember that I often cried in the night because of all the nightmares and then my mother would calmed me… I told her about the fire and that I dreamed about being burned…

There was another mystery in my life when I was little. In school it was a combination of communist and “church” children like half and half. Kids who went into church got presents, whenever it was my birthday, which is one day before St. Nicholas. I never understood why those children were getting gifts and we – cummunist children – not. And on my birthday!!! Nobody ever explained this to me. I remember, that I was alwasy posing questions, but my relatives told me, that I will understand this when I will grow old. Then – when I grew old, I forget what I wanted to know…

Christmas was forbidden and Christmas trees as well of course. But people – clever as they always are – invented a New Year’s tree and a New Year’s party, which was the party of all parties and we had “Grandfather Cold” instead of Santa Claus.

But all these things I was realizing much later. When I was “then” in this moment, I could not know what is going on, because people were not talking openly about that.

II.

When I was sixteen, something horrible happened to me. My boyfriend died. I was just sixteen! I didn’t have any religion. I was thinking that God did not exist, that it was all just fairytales. This is teaching in communism and lots of people told me this. I didn’t have any help! I was afraid to talk about that. I was totally alone. It was just me and my diary. I was asking “somebody” where was my boyfriend going, what happened after death…There was no answer… or there was, but I didn’t recognized it. I wanted to know what happened after that!

I started to search for spiritual literature which could give me the answer. There was nothing at this time (year 1979). I read something on psychology and psychiatry, but I didn’t get right answers. I was searching, searching. In the meantime, I finished the secondary school and I went to study political sciences, which I hated from the first day on. But OK… I was a student, a pretty bad one, I was not interested at all in the boring studies which were billions lighting years away from my interest.

There was lots of alcohol in my student age, lots of alcohol… I was with my first boyfriend with who I could finally talk. So… then I stopped writing my diary. My father and my mother were for sure thinking, that we will marry after seven years of relationship. But this relationship was my escape from the bondages of my family. I wanted to be more with him than with my family because I couldn’t stand being with my family!

Then in the beginning of the year 1988 our relationship was over. I was in the last grade of the faculty – exhausted from studying something that I hated. I suddenly realized, that this boyfriend was really nice and that he was good for me. But it was too late… I was in depression. It was like… my life was suddenly over.

Once I was listening to Radio Student, which was the coolest radio in this region at the time and there was an advertisement for course “Learning how to learn”. So, decided to go there. And it happened that I found there a book Dianetics (Modern science of mental health).

That was a mind blowing moment for me!!!!! That was what I wanted to study! That was the thing I was searching for! That was my passion! That was my interest!

I became obsessed with this book. I could study or read this book 24 hours a day. It was in English of course and it was very hard for me to understand. I accumulated all sorts of dictionaries and started to translate it in Slovene. I write it in my notebook, so that I would have it for my Slovene fellows.

My faculty didn’t exists any more for me. All my fellow students finish the school, but I stayed in the last grade and was not interested in exams or anything else. I really recommend this book.

So, I got this book in 1988, I studied it all the time. In the mean time I ran into new boyfriend, who had his own flat, so I could be there in his place instead of the place of my parents. :roll: We were supporting each other. He was also studying and didn’t finish. After a while I started to study for my exams again and did my diploma work. We did lots photos together (I put them twenty years later on twitter), he also painted, we traveled, we had such a good time…

Then came the year 1990, when I finally made my diploma. I didn’t find a job. I was actually not interested. I wanted to study dianetics in the organization. The nearest was in Vienna, Austria. So… I went there.

III.

So… my first trip to Vienna to study dianetics was in October of 1990. First I stayed there with my aunt who lives there. I was not interested in how I would survive, what I would eat and how it would be. I just wanted to go there and study it. It was like a “call”.

My boyfriend Oliver (=nick name) was against it. He wanted to keep me by himself and didn’t let me go away from him. He made such a drama out of this.:roll: He was telling me that this is not a right thing for me, that I would have to stay with him. That he will die without me or something.

But I had to go. The “call” was strong, very strong. I loved my boyfriend. But if stayed in Ljubljana, I would never have had my kids. I would never have suffer so many years in Vienna. And I would have never known scientology from the inside.

All these things of course I didn’t know at the time. I had no idea, what was going to happen, how long I would stay there and so on. I just knew that I had to go there to study it. For any price.

So, I went to the organization and I got free introductury courses, since we were still in Yugoslavia at this time (Yugoslavia broke apart next year, in 1991).

First thing in the organization that I was in shock were pictures from L.Ron Hubbard (=LRH) all over. I mean…. it was just ten years after Tito died! Tito’s pictures were all over Yugoslavia. Still after ten years of his death.

And LRH had a Birthday game. This invented LRH for his birthday, he made a game from all scientology organizations to compete which one has better statistics. Tito has a birthday game too, on 25th of May, where all Yugoslavia was celebrating the Day of Youth. This was very odd for me. I escaped one cult to find the other?!

I didn’t know anything about that the first time I was there. I just found out that dianetics is part of scientology which is actually a religion. That’s sounds cool for me, since I never had any religion. There were things that I didn’t like. For example… I noticed that people on staff were far less educated than me.

There were lots of other things which bothered me. But… all in all I considered it as an adventure. After few months I met a friend who was from Zagreb and he told me, that I should go on to studies in USA. I always wanted to go in USA. Here was my chance. I went home and went to Zagreb to American Embassy to get visa for USA to go studying there. My parents also gave me 2000 dollars for America.

So… I went back to Vienna. I don’t remember the reaction of Oliver. He was probably dramatizing a lot. I have at home lots of letters that he send me. Lots. I didn’t read them again. He was explaining me, how he missed me, what is he doing and how he is bored without me.

So… in the spring of 1991 I went back to Vienna. Instead of going to US, I started to do courses in the other scientology organization. I did my Purification Rundown, what is one of the first steps on the so called “Bridge”. I did it for a month. I spent all my 2000 dollars very easy for course and for clothes.

When I was done, I went home. It was in the middle of June 1991. At Ljubljana it was very turbulent. In one week there was a war. There was a war!!!!!!!!!!! My father’s Army attacked us. 

I was in a state of shock. Everybody was in a state of shock. Of course we have had lots of turbulence and uprising going on in the eighties, but nobody expected the war.

The war in Slovenia was just ten days long. I remember the panic. I remember the fear. I remember, how I was thinking whole nights… What can I do… What can I do… to stop it. I sent some telegrams in Belgrade where they live relatives of me, who were in the army. I asked them to stop the war and killing of innocent people. Then they called my father and told him that he has a very rude daughter. I was rude, because I wanted to stop the war?

My boyfriend met two journalists who came from Germany to see the war up close. He introduced them to me and I was a translator for them. They had communication with our president Milan Kučan. I was out of my mind. Here comes these guys… call the president and there they have an interview with him…

Milan Kučan didn’t have time, so we had an interview with Janez Janša. This was the guy who was in jail in the eighties and who was kind of ours Vaclav Havel. He is actually at this moment (July 2012) in power in Slovenia.

But in June 1991, when I was doing interview with him, he was… young… scared… I felt like a revolutionary there in his headquarters.

Anyway… war ended in ten days.

It continued on South… Long and bloody. :cry: And brought nothing. Like never ever any war brought…