omg omg ~ What is this ~ Explosion? Earthquake? No, I am again in love!

(2012)

It came unexpectedly… Out of nothing… It is like it was always there … Something so beautiful… How to describe this feeling… I  just knew instantly, that this is it.

I just felt it. I was instantly “in the feeling”. Together with him. This is who I was waiting for… His avi on twitter was … it was a picture of a man, who laughed. He didn’t laughed with his eyes, he just laughed with his whole being and his energy was just exploding constantly out of the computer screen and make me stick on him like I was  greased with kind of love glue.

He attracted me with his warmth personality in a moment… this was like a meteor falling down on the Earth and spreading thousand of cupid arrows directly into my heart.

It was a huge attraction. In one minute we interchanged ten tweets or something… I just knew that this guy is something so very special, that he is very close to me … like inside “my space” and that there is “something”… part of my soul… I just can’t find the right words for it…

There was absolutely no doubt in my heart that this guy is “it”, that we will marry and live happily ever after till the end of our lives together, we will have seven kids and we will incarnate in the next 100,000 thousands years together.

After few tweets, we went to hide on DMs, because on the “ground” it was too obvious that there is something between us. We wanted our privacy. We wanted to kiss alone. He was asking me if I can send him pictures… I wanted to know if he is free… I asked him, how old is he.

And then… something happened.  It was obvious that he want to continue… It was similar when I remember my previous men, when they came into my life. First we talked. Then it was clear that we liked each other. It was this explosion-earthquake… and so on… but it was not so big like on Monday… Anyway, he slept at my place once or twice and then… he just brought his bags third day… After that I marry him…

I didn’t say anything then but I was in kina a shock… It was too quick for me… I didn’t feel comfortable…

And here, on internet it is similar. He asked me, what is my Skype address. I told him and that I am not on Facebook…

And then I just remembered, that my Skype is not “working”. And I started to find faults around… I was afraid that this will be again an “internet” relation like with a guy before who I was “together” three months and he just disappeared ten days ago… I was looking for him all over on internet, he didn’t give me a phone number nor the address… he just vanished… and he sent me a mail yesterday and told me that he was on vacation and that he is missing me…

What??? I was crying my eyes out. What I am doing? What I am doing with my life?  I am on internet and there are so many men who want to be with me, but they are all so far away from me… it’s very safe, so I can’t be with them. So… I am happy when I am unhappy?

I was talking to a guy yesterday… why these men can’t become a “real” guy from flesh and blood for me. Now, I am four years single. It is not that I don’t have anybody who would be with me. I just can’t be with “everybody”. And there is always “something”. He lives on the other side of the world. Or he is like a vampire like the last one, who just went on vacation and could come to see me, but he didn’t wanted to.

You know when you are really in love… There is no a mountain high enough that you would not cross it to be with person.

So… now I am again really in love, but I sabotaged it from the very beginning. When I am really in love, I just want to be with this guy together – right this moment.

He showed interest. He is a nice man… So… why I am I killing this. Because of fear? Because it was so overwhelming? Because I had so many bad experiences? Because… because…

I should feel elated, but I feel sick. I should feel happy, but I am sad…