LAST TIME I WAS DEAD DRUNK

It was a lot of alcohol in my teens. A lot. First… I needed to somehow overcome this horrible lost when my boyfriend died when I was sixteen.

Then… I had really problems with communication with others. I actually never needed alcohol, when I was alone with myself. I actually loved to be alone. I really loved to be alone. I could be alone for hours. For days. Totally alone. I would write in my diary, I would read books or listen to the music. I still like to be a lot alone and I sometimes can’t wait that my kids will live me alone…

But when I was surrounded with lots of people I was quite tense and I need alcohol to calm me down. It started in my secondary school days, when we had bar with alcohol near the school. Nwea the school! I remember lots of time drinking alcohol before the school started, or in the middle, but specially when it has finished. I had a great company in my gymnasium, they were great friends, great musicians, who could play on guitar all the music which was cool at this time… Bob Dylan, Joan Baez and co. We were all drinking alcohol a lot. We didn’t have any idea what that is… just that is strong, you feel good after you consume it and sometimes you loose truck of events. It was very cool, but sometimes it was too much. Who cared… it was important, that we had a wild and crazy time. 

Some of my school friends were taking drugs. But not me. It was a very crazy, self-destructive generation. Actually on our gimnasium there was a  club for suiciders.  From my generation, there were four – five guys who commited suicide. 

In this time I had terrible problems with communication with others. I just stop talking when there were lots of people around me or I lost my voice… I had a “stage fraight” in presence of other people. If I didn’t have a helper = alcohol. 

It is not like that, when I am communicating on blog and on twitter with tousand people easily. I had so many complexes that I can heardly count everything. I was ashamed because my body was not what I wanted to be. I was ashamed because of my parents.  Later on I was drinking because I went on the wrong faculty on study. There were always some “reasons”.

There were a lot of situation connected with too much alcohol till my twenty fifth year. This year I was last time drunk. I mean really drunk. I drunk alcohol from this time, but I never lost my mind or “time track” – like I losted really often.

So… it was in the early spring in 1988 and my first boyfriend just left me. I was desperated, lonely, sad, hysterical… whatever you want. My girl-friend called me to come in the center of Ljubljana to celebrate visit of our common friends from Italy. We used to visit them every previos year, then, they were our guests.

We meet in the basement of our biggest shop, which has bar inside. I remember them greeting me and soon I started to drink one Albanian cognac after another. When I look at this situations back now, I know why I always loose track of what was going on. I drank at once lots of alcohol. Despite how disgusting it was. For me… alcohol was always disgusting and I was drinkig just that I could relax. I would never ever talk to boy or to a stranger if I would not be “on alc”. I had such a resistance to talk freely with people that you have no idea!

Being present with “real” persons… was a challenge for me. They were lots of dear friends… and all would be just perfect, if I would not always do the same thing. In very short time I pour into myself lots of very strong liquid. What happened… I don’t remember anymore. I remember just small parts of it.

When I am heavy drunk, I start to be very destructive. I want to have all attention from people around. I need a reason to be sad – the reason was that my boyfrend left me. So… I was talking to someone about that. And I told him, that I am very sad because of this. In this moment I took a glass, I crushed it, so that it was a broken and I put my hand on this broken glass.

Blood starts to skipped around and somebody took my hand and drag me to the toilet. I remember being on a toilet really long. There came some guys from Korea who were in Ljubljana on a festival. I remember talking to them.  I talked in Italian, since I always speak Italian, when I am drunk. I did a drama. I did a performance. I was in a center of attention. Oh… how nice… They wanted to put me a band on my injured hand, but I didn’t let them. I was laughing, doing drama and looking how blood is going out of my body.

Then I just remember that my girlfriend asked one of her friends to look upon me. I was glad, because this guy I really liked. We were looking at each other all the time from the beggining of  the meeting.

So… next time, what I remember is, that I was in the air – close to the Hotel Lev in Ljubljana, looking down on my and Tone’s body, who were walking on the street.

I freaked out. I talked to myself… What is this? Am I dead? I am not dead, I am going on the street… I mean… my body is going on the street, with this person.

In that talking to myself I went back into my body and I listen me talking to Tone. We were holding hands and I was talking. He was just saying… Yes, no. He didn’t talk a lot. I told him, that I am already 25 years old and that my life is ruined, since my boyfriend left me. Then I was talking this and that… and suddenly, there was a hence, where he put me on and start to kiss me. He gave his hand into my crotch. We were kissing each other long like that and forgot on the external world.

Then somebody came (it was early in the night) and we move along. We came to my house and we were kissing long before my door. I just remember that he said that he will call me.

Then I don’t remember anything anymore. At seven o’clock I wake up from screaming of my mother and sister. They asked me if I am Ok. They said that the whole flat was full of blood and stink on alcohol. My clothes were covered with blood.

He called me in one week. We didn’t talk much. I didn’t see him from this time. My friend said, that he had clothes totally full of blood.

I just remembered his eyes. His satanic eyes….