CONTRADICTIONS, CONTRADICTIONS

From the time I was very young I was thinking a lot and wanted to get answers on my questions. Since I was very little I was asking myself… why are we here… why we have to die.. does God exists etc. Since I was raised in a communist familly and we never went into church, they told me that God doesn’t exists. But it did exist at my Granny who told me that God is present whenever I go and all over that he knows, where I am and where everybody is so… This was such a contradiction for me. I intuitivelly felt, that it has to exist some big force which has all answers on my questions.

So, I started to search answers in books…

I somehow survived till my twelved year, where I actually become very crazy because of hormons – or how know why… and was not interested so much in asking “why we are here” but in boys and my body which transformed very quick without asking me for a permission…

And then it came my first kiss. I mean a real kiss. It was at the end of my elementary school, it was in June 1977. I had my first randevue with Andrej, who had long hair, played guitar and had a dog doberman. I didn’t like his dog, but I was crazy on Andrej. He kissed me first time in this hot early evening, I was so afraid of what will happened. I was so full of expectations, full of love, full of fear, full of contradictions that I almost fainted when he pull his tongue into my mounth…

That was not what I expected. I expected a prince or something. And he almost raped me on our first date. I run away from the scene at home where I was beating myself with qwuestions: “Is this love? Doesn’t feel like that…” He came to see me in next days, my parents werent at home, he brought me to my bed and start to put my clothes off. I just sent him out of the flat. We broke up the same day or next day.

I noticed that boys don’t understand love the way I understand it. I had lots of games with boys in these years, but I never ever wanted to have sex with them. I couldn’t even imagine that. It was really really hard after one of my boys with who I “played” died. I was sixteen.

The contradiction was, that he died after he first time kissed me… I didn’t know how to explain myself that. First I thought that I have to die too, but I couldn’t kill myself really. I was still in love with him, but he was… dead. So, he didn’t exist any more but kind of did, I felt him, but he was juts not alive, his body was buried…

I was torn apart with contradictions, guilt and blame. Till I was sick of this feelings and felt in love again. And again. And again. I had many relationships and they were all abusive. I always expoected that man will die, dissapeared or will not talk to me. And so it was.