BROKEN HEART

 I.
In summer we went on the same vacations as the previous year. We actually didn’t talk a lot, but I noticed that I liked this man at the end of summer when my ex-husband came to see his children. When I compared the two, I liked my man, my Saviour. My ex-husband was merely my friend…

My little one went into school. In Slovenia we had new elections which brought us Borut Pahor. On election day we went to the seaside. This was last week in September. Everything seemed “normal”.

No, it wasn’t. When we were together at home, I noticed that my man was “talking” to somebody all the time on computer. That was the time when Facebook came out. He was typing all day on computer like crazy. I felt that this was something against me. I felt that this was passionate… so… maybe this was… a woman.

How dare he? I was his woman!

This situation was a deja vue for me... It was totally the same situation as when I was in Vienna, three years earlier, talking to him, Mr. Saviour, and having my husband at the same time around. It was the opposite for me as then those three years ago, now I was not talking to anybody and he was talking very much. But not to me.

In the beginnig of October he said that he is going for a seminar on the weekends. It was the first time in three years, that we didn’t sleep at night in the same bed. I was not suspicious. He said that this was for his work… so… what could I do about it?

He had changed. He talked a lot about his plans. He didn’t want to participate anymore in our life, didn’t come for lunch, was always on the phone or typing something in computer.

So, he came from this weekend, his busy typing and madness was continued. I noticed that something was wrong with this person, he was not the same man!

Once… when we were talking on messenger (while he was at his job), he wrote me. He said that he slept on weekend with one woman and that he felt guilty about that. He wanted to tell me before, but now he didn’t dare.

I was in shock. I was ashamed. I suddenly felt worthless. I didn’t know what to say. I was agry at him. I felt abondoned. And I felt sad, so sad… Like something very horrible is coming to me.

And it did. After that what he said, that he betrayed me, he was two weeks more at our home. He came at eleven in the evening and left in the morning to go to work. I was doing research, on who was this woman, it happened to be a woman in her forties, who had just recovered from depression and was on a psyhiatric therapy.

It seemed to me, that Mr. Saviour was about to save another woman…

He took all his things from our flat and went to her place. Never ever communicate with me or my kids, which were also his kids, they liked him a lot, about what is going on, where was he going…

He ran away. He escaped from me.

I got an email from him after one month, that he was about to marry this person in December.

Since he spent last days lying, I could not talk to him… I was… on the floor. I was devasteted. I was not a person anymore. I was just a body. I couldn’t believe that dear God fulfilled my prayer… and now, I didn’t want him be gone. I didn’t want the pain. I didn’t want to be so brokenhearted.

He disapeared. I didn’t know what to say to my kids. I didn’t have any friends at the time. My ex-husband was not reachable, but even if he could be… I think that he would be kind of glad for what hapenned to me, because of what I did to him three years ago.

I didn’t have any help and I didn’t want any help. I had myself. And my kids.

**

II.

Where do all the broken hearts go? My life was again at the end. I had just allowed this person who saved me from my agressive husband, who is baby-sitting my kids instead of his, who is having sex with me the way I wanted (I had more relationships before!!!), who is administering my blog, who knew everything about me… I just allowed this person to marry one grey mouse, a woman without ethics, who was depended on psyhiatrics because of her depression and who had terrible ego habits and wanted to compete with me and show me that she is better than me.

I was sick about this woman, who he married. I was jealous. I was mad, I didn’t understand myself. Why would I be jealous on such a mean person. I was thinking… my God, if he would marry a “normal”, ethical person, I would maybe not feel like peace of shit.

I actually was broken. It was not just my heart which was broken. I was broken as a human being. I felt pain. I was in actual pain. Everybody who ever was in a simmilar state can confirm, that you have physical pain. I was thinking about killing myself, but this was not an option because of my kids.

I could not live, I could not die. I wanted to have communication with him, like it used to be. We were 24 hours a day connected. If he was not present, then we talked on a mobile phone or we were typing on messenger. I noticed how I was addicted to him and on internet.

And he was not there. He dissapeared. Not any sign of him, just of this ugly woman, who at once wore his last name. It was like I never was together with him. He just change me, my kids and our flat for her, her kids and her flat. For him, everything was the same, just another woman and kids with other names. He exchanged us as things.

I was in agony and didn’t know where to ask for help. I needed help. But I was ashamed to ask anybody. There were few people who knew us from internet and they just told me, that I should forget about him, that he is a coward, a jerk… How could I forget about him, when I was in the same flat as he was when we were together, there was the furniture that we composed on together… In this flat his presence was so normal as my flowers on the windowsill.

I started to think, what is going on in my life and why is this happenning to me. I had five relationships with men and all lasted at the most three years. I was searching “all” help that I possible could find on internet about how to heal a broken heart, will he come back or not, what are the signs of his coming back, etc.

I could not look at the men at all. Suddenly, all men seemed to me betrayals and jerks. On the other hand, I was jealous of couples who were in relationships, although I could count on fingers of my one hand how many healthy relationships I knew…

I knew, that I should not go to the web side of his wife (where I confirmed, that they married, since she change her last name at once… such a cheep and stupid bitch! ).

When I went to this site, my stomach was sick and I could hardly breath. This was just she on internet. He disapeared. He was admin of my blogs for three years and he was also writing his blog, since he is actually an artist, he writes poems, stories and can make sculptures. He is actually an artist, who is not doing what he was supposed to do as a life purpose.

**

III.

When I think about this period at the end of the year 2008, I actually don’t remember it well because I was in such pain. :cry: This pain was connected with the big feeling of shame, because I allowed somebody who was part of my life to just disapeared from it overnight. First I thought that I would go to see this woman and just slam her into her face. I felt so much agression, I felt rage and I didn’t know how to calm myself. I was searching for release, just some release!!!!

The whole me was in a big wound and just asking God for help. I didn’t have any other ally. My man who left me was my only friend, my only ally and my only “close person”.

My God if I knew then that this pain will last so long… Still today I can’t look at the pictures which we made together. I can’t look at him in the picture. When I “see” his wife on internet, I still get nausea after almost four years! It’s not so strong, but I still feel the pain! At the beginning I was so adicted to him. Then it was absent. I was absent. He was not there. There were all these things, just he was not there. I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t text him, which was the most natural thing for me before. We were texting the whole time… if we were not somehow together I was bored. I didn’t ask myself questions. I asked him before.

Because I couldn’t have communication with him, I became aggressive to my children, specially to my oldest one, who brought me with her words on the edge of hysteria. Some days in January 2009 I was so hysterical that I slapped her. Nobody should say anything bad to me. I just exploded and could kill anyone. I was in such a rage! Once I grabbed her hair and pull her really hard… And then I just suddenly stopped and asked myself: ” What are you doing? This is your beloved daughter! She has nothing to do with his disappearance. Leave her alone! Work on yourself. Get over this loss. Take care of yourself… Love yourself. You don’t love yourself, Dajana! You don’t respect yourself. It’s not the problem that others are leaving you. You left yourself!!!!”

Then I just listen to this voice and I started to really “work” on myself. I promised to myself, that I will not write him any more letters… Once, after a month or so I wrote him an email where I talked about how I loved him and how horrible this situation was that he just didn’t talk to me, is. He answered something stupid. Sometimes I sms-ed him. Then once I really ask myself not to send him any more messages and kept my dignity straight.

In April I went to the angelic consultant and she said that my aura was green – that I was healing myself, that I should not connect to my ex again because he is in a low vibration. That was of course obvious to me, I just didn’t know how to let go of it…

Then something strange happened. My boy went to a doctor as they go for a medical check-ups for school. And the doctor wrote to me that she is suspicious that he has a heart murmur. I was in a shock. At this time I went to a clairvoyant, who was living just a block away where he was living together with this woman. She told me lots of things that I already knew, she told me that I am very jealous, that I should control my aggression toward my kids and that my boy is seriously ill! This he got from me, because of my sadness.

There were two confirmations from two totally different sources, that something was wrong with my child… At once we stopped with his sports. He was going two times a week to football and he also did judo. It was the end of his first year in school, before vacations.

Doctor said that we had to come to control his heart. I promised myself to do angel-therapy, about which I read a lot about during this time. I read somewhere, that one woman had a very sick nephew who had to go to surgery. She asked Archangel Raphael to go into this child’s part of his body who was ill and heal him. So… I spoke to my boy and I told him, that there is a healer, Archangel Raphael, who will heal his heart, he just have to ask him to. I told him, how to call for Raphael, whenever he reminds himself. He said: “Dear Archangel Raphael, come into my heart and heal it. Thank you”.

I also said this words on and on. In one week we had control at the medical doctor. She listened to the beating of his heart and I couldn’t believe her words: “Everything is OK.” I asked her to repeat it. She repeated it. And everything was OK! :)

*

Now, almost four years has past since then, but I still think every day about him. I can’t think about any other man, even though I had some “offers”. What has happened since that time regarding my relationships - quickly: first half a year I was an emotional wreck. Then I put lots of effort into not think about him. The good thing was that I had to move from the flat where we had lived together. I moved into my mother’s home. This is a special story to tell.

First months I just wanted to occupy myself with the other things, especially not with the internet, but it didn’t last. I am now writing on a computer that he bought for me. I still have his old mobile phone although I lost it already three times, but it always came back… :D

So… he left me and there was suddenly no communication from his side at all. Well, I mean… there was, but twisted one. I continued to write my blog, every day, except when I didn’t have the internet, which was during this four years time. Like three or four months. Otherwise I was always on, blogging, writing. I have lots to write about just about my kids… My God, I could write every day a story which happened between me and kids. There is so much!

But at the beginning I was just looking for him, everywhere. He deleted all his blogs. He commented on the site where we had always commented for years, but he never used his name, he put anonymous names. But I recognized him. :)

After some months I found one woman who was very skilled in the internet and in blogging, we made a new blog, which had very good statistics. So, I was “on” blog just to see, if he would come. I knew how it was when we were working on our blog together before. I knew what he would write, his style and I knew his imagination of his nicknames (he always came with other nickname so that his wife will not recognize him).

Because that was the only “communication” I had with him… I was totally paranoical, if I would see him or not. I also was “on guard” at the site when we were commenting before. Just that now, it was not me and him, but he and his wife. :roll: His wife… was a typical empty headed spoiled woman who always wanted to compete with me to prove that she was better than me.

I realized in one year or so… after one person always commented after me and called me stupid, that this was actually her! :shock: When I discovered that, I was totally shattered. Not, that this woman stolen my man… not that this women put four people in sadness because of her actions, but that she was just mean. How can he be with such a woman? Why he did that to me? Why he never called me in four years, never explained to anybody from us, why he did that? Why was he lying and hiding with his nick-names? Why he was always coming on my blog… I didn’t understand why then he was with this other woman!?

Isn’t that sick? We lived together in the same town, but we never saw each other and he is “happily” married. He is baby-sitting again other children, cause he can’t have his own. His first wife regretted his leaving her and kids and… it was a very nasty divorce. His kids were abandoned, he was afraid of his ex-wife… I actually don’t know why he didn’t take care for his own kids.

So… he was just looking for replacement of his own kids. And then he left these too. And then again found new ones to replace previous ones…

He abandoned seven people in three years! And this guy is nothing special. Actually he doesn’t look good at all. I really have to think what – for God’s sake – is in this little guy that I was so crazy about!